Fafarella

It's been three weeks since i've updated!!!
Quite a long time for someone who likes to share uh? Haha, well i just couldn't find the time. I'm so busy and yet i don't really know what i'm busy with. I have been surviving only 4-6 hours sleep for quite some time now and yes, it's kind of an accomplishment since i always slept for 10 hours. So congratulate me. Right now i have assignments chasing me. I've yet to do my advance food chemistry report that was due tomorrow and here i am busy typing away. I just know that i need to let it all out. Yes, know. No more "i feel" and " i think" for me because i have to be focused and confident.

Sometimes, it's scary to have to live up to expectations. It's like the more people know the more pressure it is on me. I mean if i don't get it, how can i ever face up to these people. I know it's kinda a great feat but not accomplishing it is just utterly embarrassing when people always thought you're invincible. The thought just scare the shit out of me. It's the only thing that i've been focusing on. I threw away something that is in my grasp for this. I didn't study for nutrition the night before because i was busy staring at god-knows-what then i'm cursing because i can't remember the answer. I have been doing substandard work and probably pissing off my group mates when i hand in crappy tutorials just because i'm fighting for a chance. Am i being too foolish by letting go too soon? Am i being too overconfident that i'm the better candidate than the other two? I'm just scared. Scared of being judged.

The next thing that's freaking me out is that i don't want to hear that i'm something that i do not wanna be. Like you don't want to be a bitch but somebody tells you are one. BTW, it got nothing to do with me being cranky. So the wisest thing is that you tune it out and never seek the real answer right? I know i'm sort of being in denial but it's hard. I mean i do not want to be like this. It sucks. The feeling of something might be wrong with your freaking brain sucks. But at the same time i fear that if you believe long enough that you are something then you'll be.

Maybe i should stop jogging and swimming every other day. Maybe i should stop feeling guilty for something that i did not do. Maybe it's just me. Then the question is why does it always happen to me? I should stop self pitying now. BTW, Fiffy's fine and Febe has been amazing being by my side always. Now people are really going to think that i've cracked. But seriously, fear can drive people to do alot of things.

BTW, i've lifted the privacy ban. Gawk at my empty blog all you want now!!! I can't promise an update until i'm free. Which is probably next week. I just can't wait to let go!!!

XOXO
Fafa

OMG OMG OMG!!!!
This is crazy. First i know i have to apologise for the lack of updates lately but this is major and i'm making so many spelling errors while typing this in a rush. I just got my 19th birthday present from my family and it's something i would die for. A Louis Vuitton bag!!! Yes, a freaking LV bag. I've always imagined my first LV to be the classic speedy 35, which Audrey Hepburn carried way back in time but to get a new Gallieria, it's just totally mind blowing. Believe it or not i'm crying non-stop from the moment they took off my blindfold and i saw the LV dust bag. To actually be holding an LV in my arms right now is totally insane. I've never imagined at 19 i own a Gallieria GM. I've wished for a PM but i got the grande version instead. It's so totally huge and it seemed crazy that i'm smelling my bag but i'm so totally am!!! Plus, they have apple guarded it for me because i don't like LV which the Machete leather have aged to become vachetta or so to speak. Now, my bag will look ageless. Oh, i'm still in denial and this is the zenith of going-to-be-19-years of life. I would have done anything to get an LV. I know it costs a lot and i'm such a materialistic bitch but we all love something right? To me, Chanel and LV are the best lovers ever. I just got married to my Gallieria 15 mins ago. It's the most precious physical thing now.

I promise you mom and dad, i would do something really useful in my life and i know i'm lucky to be your daughter. Very lucky. I appreciate everything that you've done for me since i was born, loving me unconditionally even when i'm a train wreck. For standing by me and being there through my fickle-mindness, insecurities and other crazy, mind-boggling events that i put you through. Someday i'm going to give back, especially to those who have not been particularly lucky to even have parents or managed to live through this long. Things are changing now and i'm changing now. It just struck me there and then. That's probably part of the reason why i'm tearing and still am. Talk about getting hit by realisation by something you've coveted for your whole life.

On the side note, i don't have to look in envy and agony at other people carrying an LV, now it's their turn to look at me and my Gallieria GM!!!

XOXO
Queen Fafa

I've survived the third day of school!!!
For the first time ever since i started poly i'm actually clueless about all things. Like i don't even print out my timetable, don't know if there's notes and coming to school with my pink feather pen. I'm actually starts to feel like a bimbo. But the good news is that i've maintained my calibre and have a good start ahead. I had forensics just now and wow i really like it. I'm not even being sarcastic or whatsoever. I'm really glad i took it up. It's law and it's kinda interesting like trying to be solicitor or something along that line. BTW, i've always thought that i'll be a good lawyer since i joined debating and still continue to think so now. So what about grouping this semester? It's more like anything-goes theme. Really it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I just have to be the best and by that fact alone i know i can succeed. Now, i sound cocky no? I'm really pumped for everything to go full swing. I like the feeling of busyness. It just keeps me going. What can i say? I love challenges.

Oh, i really can't wait to start PDD practical ASAP coz it's been more than 6 months since i develop a new product and i would be lying if i didn't look forward to this. Alright, i'm going to end here for now. BTW, what should i get myself for living up till 19? A pink Chanel Cambon maybe?

XOXO
Fafa

Surprisingly i'm back already.
Never did it crossed my mind that i would be back this early. I actually packed my bag enough for a week escape. I've straightened things out and am clearer now and i guess you can say i learnt a thing or two about myself. I went to school with jetlag and lack of sleep with the least expecting news. My so-called short Monday is no longer short because i have tutorial from 3-5pm every Monday. Wow, what a life. Best of all, the timetable doesn't reflect this. Clever much timetable creator? Thus, i decided to go back home and instead of catching up on the winks i decided to surf the net, eat my lunch simply because if i sleep i would not wake up on time for the lesson. I guess this is one of the disadvantage of being the minority. I like the fact that i choose forensics and followed my heart though i have no idea who's taking it up. I wish that i can always make this kind of decision.

Probably this come as a shock but i'm no longer taking my driving practical test. I have some more exciting and life changing albeit scary appointment to attend to. I know that i've been practising hard for driving but i can always take it at some other time. It would still be my first try right? I know i'm making the right decision and i'm just going to let nature takes its course. I have a strong gut feeling that i'm not going to make it but at least i tried and i'm using the month or so time to prepare myself by revising my accounts, reading on banking principles also trying to watch the market and analyse it. It's tough because while in poly or university they have lectures to learn all these, i have to do it alone in matter of a month. It's something like a crash course just to ensure that i appear as someone knowledgeable and that i'm worth their time.

Perhaps you might be wondering what makes me come back. I talked to an old woman yesterday while on the beach and reading my book. She started the conversation by simply saying "You got so much in you. Why are you running away?" That kinda shocked me and i asked her why she thought i'm running away and she told me things that i never knew. Much of it are anecdotes about her life. It really makes me think again about why am i doing all these. About my parents. They certainly did not deserve all my drama and meltdown. They've given me nothing but the best. I get whatever i want and yet i'm still being a big brat thinking that i've had one of the worst life ever. It's hard to explain here. But i know what i have done or chose now is right and things couldn't get any better than this.

XOXO
Queen Fafa

Decisions....
Decisions are something that is not simple to make, especially if it's a choice that will haunt you for the years that will come. I should know because the decision not to appeal back in 2007 still mark a slight grudge and regret in myself. I've always wondered what would happen if i appealed. Maybe it would've been different. Maybe i would not be facing the same dilemma over and over again. Even if the appeal did get rejected i know that the regret would be different. The thing with me is that i don't know what i want at all. Some people know what they wanted and headed in the right path straight from the start. Life's awesome for them because they don't have the extra burden to carry. Some after talking to others they found what they're looking for. As for me talking to different people from a myriad of background and career just doesn't make anything seemed better.

I had a complete meltdown on Thursday, i cried in front of maybe over 100 odd strangers that see me with judgement. Usually it would matter a lot but that night, nothing matters because my whole life is to be written based on decisions that i made. And it's definitely not easier when people ask you to make some other decision that might be life changing but not crucial, something that i do not want to make because there's pressing issues waiting for me to solve.

When i joined the internship i just do it because i felt that i should do it, because i really wanted it. I told nobody until i got accepted because i wanted this to be something i wanted and not influenced by others. Now, i don't have a clue anymore. The reason being is simple. People in the education line said about the good things of teaching and people who are not there or planning on career change dissed the profession like crazy. This point got me thinking that due to biases they said that and what they're saying is what they felt or thought and i'm not them. Thus, i felt that i should go and find out more about myself. Hence, i'm leaving. I don't have much destination choice, it being a long holiday plus there's 3 days off for primary school kids due to PSLE marking, and factoring that school starts on Monday. I bought one way ticket as i don't know when i'm coming back.

I've made up my mind that unless i'm really sure of what i'm going to do, i'm not going to return despite it being a Monday. I don't see a reason in continuing something which there is no ultimate goal for me. My parents screamed at me when i told them i would like to defer my studies and i think it's stupid too since i only have less than 6 months before it's over. I remembered the line that my dad said "Why are you never happy with your life?" That's a probably very true. A very recent incident illustrates this. I got an A for FYP yet i'm not happy and went  home crying in the dark because i didn't get a bloody distinction when the points awarded is exactly the same. I know i put in the best but i guess sometimes the best is not enough, i just have to be perfect all the time. I guess i never realised all that about myself.

The thing that fears me most is graduating. Only because i have zilch idea of what is ahead of me and if i even have a future. So don't be surprised should you not see me next week and the week after because i myself have no idea when i'll be coming back. Somebody told me to not let the fear of failing hold myself back. If bailing on school is a wrong decision, i'm willing to gamble it all in exchange with what i'm to find.

It's only because i'm love myself i'm doing this. Until then, enjoy your new semester people and save notes for me should i decided to return!!! BTW, you people are awesome and thanks for those who keep giving me advices and counselling but this is something i have to do on my own. I have to find my own voice inside.

XOXO
Fafa